Nature hates runners



I was recently informed that his restraining order
against me was not, in fact, a shout out.

   Many of us (unless you suffered through the doldrums of public school book learnin') have heard the phrase, 'nature abhors a vacuum.' What most of us don't learn about nature however, is that she also abhors  runners. Now you may be saying "thats Ludacris!" and you would be right, that is his amazing rap in the background that inspires me to write. Then you might be asking yourself, "How the hell did I get on this guy's blog again?" the answer to that question my friend, is subliminal messaging hidden within the text you're reading.     
      Disregard KEEP that last READING bit, it's probably not true anyway.  Over the past couple of years running I have discovered a great many things, and have tried my best to pass them on to people. The latest is one that I never expected; and that is that nature will punish anyone who dare crosses the line from "casual jogger," to runner. And lo, mother nature has many weapons. For example, head winds (winds that push a gale strength forces against you while running) will suddenly and sharply switch directions just as you do. Spider webs will grow sans spiders right in front of your face, giving you no time to stop before running through them. Storms in a previously cloudless sky will kick up as you reach the farthest point away from your home or car before turn around. No matter what the temperature is outside it will instantly rise twenty degrees and seemingly only affect you. (There have been plenty of times where I saw families playing at the park and while everyone has a light jacket on due to the chilly weather, I'm sweating so hard I look like I just escaped an al queda death camp by macgyver-ing together a piece of string, a filling, and some tin foil. OR it will drop thirty below zero to compliment your run for a few special months out of the year.) These were all things I could live with. But, much like the mafia, if nature decides you're not really "getting the hint," she tends to become much more vicious.  Allow me to to illustrate: I have a great friend of mine who has been an avid runner for years. Recently he began his marathon training again. Within one week the local temperatures had risen twenty-five degrees (I still believe he is singularly responsible for the heat wave that has punished the east coast this past summer), he stepped on a wasp's nest and was stung at least a dozen times, and was bitten by a tick and infected with rocky mountain spotted fever. All of this after going out for a trail run and being chased down the mountain side by deer. The MOST SKITTISH CREATURE ON EARTH. Imagine the final scene from avatar where the whole planet rises up against the humans, except without the cgi, and less blue people.

   She doesn't hesitate to discourage the rest of us with roots that suddenly pop out of the ground, trees that randomly fall in your path, or ground that gives way underneath your ultra light trail shoe, which, under normal circumstances, would remain solid for the filming of the annual biggest loser hiking episode.

   My most recent personal example includes a trip some friends and I took to Medoc state park, home of the famed Medoc marathon, to try and get a few runs on the course prior to the upcoming race.  Now I've had many a non running friend come and hike it with their family and report back on "How beautiful and peaceful it is."

   We stepped out of the car and natures three prong plan of attack began. Step one: make it so hot and humid that all three runners must remove their shirts thus blinding each other with paleness and obscuring the roots on the path. Step two: Fell some trees so that the runners of forced off the beaten paths and into horse fly territory. Step three: Release horseflies ( which can apparently track you by smell for up to a mile. If not for chasing down runners, why the hell does a giant insect need this ability?!?) during 90 degree descents so that runners are more likely to snap an ankle / femur / arm / vertebra during their mad dash down the hill to escape said horseflies.

The horseflies of Medoc Mountain

 I had the privilege of having one land on the back of my head and believe me when I say it would not be overkill to use a baseball glove as a fly swatter for these things. (I also had the privilege of hitting a 2:03 per mile pace according to my garmin as I decided it would be better to simply leap off the summit than try to out run these things. Score one for mother nature.) 

   After battling the inspirations for so many of George Lucas's characters, briars the size of a finger, putting back any limbs that had been dislocated, and facing the heat and 123% humidity we finally made our weary way back to the car, and all consented that nature had won that day. Resigning myself to run only the local trails at home, (somehow thinking that would be better) I have been assaulted by giant black snakes, ants the size of my fist and a network of squirrels that I'm fairly certain passes my position on the trails along to other animals.

Runners: Still safe from the sharks

  Further research into this phenomenon indicates, that its not only runners are being affected, and that nature is branching out to apparently put other people who dare leave the safety of air conditioning, Doritos, and jersey shore behind, on warning. This was literally this guys first time out trying kayaking and he gets a warning shot from a great white shark. If that's not nature flexing her bitch slap muscles, I'm not sure what is.

   There is a flip side to this theory. Much like so many duck face making, iPhone mirror picture taking girls on Facebook, nature loves to be photographed. Think about it...all those national geographic covers where the alligator holds perfectly still with one eye out of the water while the guy gets the shot?  Chameleons changing colors on command, birds flying at just the right angle with the beautiful sunset in the background? You think penguins do all that cute marching if they know Morgan Freeman isnt planning on narrating it? Nature will go out of her way for a guy with a camera. I'm thinking of trying my next long run with a Nikon strapped around my neck just to confuse nature and see what happens. Who knows, maybe without all those roots popping up out of nowhere, spider webs magically appearing, and random animals trying to devour me, I just may make a new pr.